Funny Humorscopes Jokes

Aries (March 21 – April 19) – You still have way too much to do. Youalways have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would beable to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.Taurus (April 20 – May 20) – In a surprising twist, the failure ofanother large London-based bank will be blamed on you, today. C’est lavie, non?Gemini (May 21 – June 20) – Try not to be too impulsive, today. Askyourself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’dbe fun to have.Cancer (June 21 – July 22) – If you don’t start flossing more often,the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better careof yourself.Leo (July 23 – August 22) – Today you will uncover a conspiracy,involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless gardenequipment.Virgo (August 23 – September 22) – Ever had one of those times whenyou ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and theysay “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.Libra (September 22 – October 22) – You may have to share a hotel roomwith a business colleague, to save travel expenses. Here’s a tip tokeep them from talking all night: bring along a teddy bear, and punchit really hard in the head a few times at bedtime, screaming “Shut up,Mr. Teddy! Shut up!.”Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) – Time to do something about thathigh blood pressure. Have you tried leeches?Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) – You will find that if youdeliberately mispronounce “sir” as “sair”, you can answer a lot ofquestions with either “yes air” or “nose hair.”Capricorn (December 22 – January 20) – You will discover whatShakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in MuchAdo About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatterthat somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not onlyenjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.Aquarius (January 21 – February 18) – You’ve been yodeling in yoursleep, again. Is it any wonder that you’ve been having trouble withyour romantic relationships?Pisces (February 19 – March 20) – You will wake with a start tonight,and hear a sound like that of a whole herd of capybara snufflingaround in your closet. Fortunately, when you switch on the light, thatwill turn out to be all it is.